June 2008 - Broken Heart – I would love to be one of those people that when life gets sticky I could pick up my pen and start unloading on to the page and come up some great song that gracefully tells how I feel; a way of making something positive out of my sadness. That isn’t me, for some reason. Yet anyway, I keep it locked inside and isolate myself until I can’t cry anymore. At the end of April John and I were devastated and saddened that our dog Kodiak passed away. The depth of pain is unbelievable. We have the amazing love and support of people in our lives who understand, but the sorrow still hovers over us weeks later. The emptiness in the house is so loud.

Through this time I haven’t been able to write, think about writing or really even listen to music. I fell behind at school and found myself not being able to concentrate. I know how much I love Kodiak and how much joy and love he brought to us, but my home office where I would work on a daily basis just isn’t the same without him. I find myself saying “this is not how we do it” all day long. I feel like I’m missing a part of my own body. It’s hard to imagine that a being that couldn’t even talk would hold such a place in our lives. He not only went everywhere with us, but charmed his way into places dogs shouldn’t go. For years he was there for all the ups and downs of our lives and he was there when I started songwriting. He would work beside me every day.

I’ve grieved other times in my life, but this one has been tough. I can’t even really feel for my dreams and have wondered if I should even continue on the path that I was on. Deeply depressed I am slowly finding my way back to life. Still crying, still praying and looking at life differently I’m doing what I need to do. Looking ahead I’m not sure where to find that same enthusiasm I had. I think just putting one numb foot in front of the other is all I can do. Kodiak brought such smile and joy to our lives, and I know he would be here if he could, but he had to go. What we all do with our lives is so important on so many levels, but who we share it with is what makes life so much sweeter. Our lives have been sweetened for so many years. As I pick up the pieces of my broken heart, I hold those memories dear. Thanks for listening.